Klaus Baudelaire's Wikipedia Parody
by R0SEMARY
Summary: I just had to. Mariah's drunk ass is passed out somewhere in an alley and I don't want to go to bed, if I do then Jack will get me. JK I don't give a crap what he does, I have a machete and a semi-auto. Isadora/Klaus, Fiona/Klaus, Monty/Klaus, Olaf/Klaus, Violet/Klaus, Sunny (Stripper II)/Klaus, and Little Suzie Anne/Klaus references.
1. Books 1-3

**Just so ya'll know, I hope every one of you takes offense to this. This is my place to piss people off, it really causes a lot of trouble if you do it to someone's face. Who knew, right? But seriously, if you're offended by anything in this; PLEASE TELL ME SO I CAN LAUGH AT YOUR WHINY ASS.**

Klaus Baudelaire is a fictional character and one of the three protagonists of Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events series who appears in all thirteen, homosexual, novels. Klaus is the middle child of the Baudelaire faggots; he has an older stripper named Violet and a younger sister named Stripper II. His sister Violet is the family stripper, Sunny is the family blowjob-do-er (and later chef) and Klaus is the rapist pedo guy. He is twelve years old at the beginning of the series, and turns thirteen in The Vile Village. By the end of the series, he is fourteen (fifteen years old if you count in Chapter 14). Klaus is the "bitch" of the family, and his love of books has often helped him save himself and his sisters. He is also an extremely over-dramatic pussy.

**Interests and skills**

Klaus is an avid rapist. His favorite girl is Little Suzie Anne; but he enjoys little boys just the same. He remembers almost everyone he rapes, retaining information on tightness and such which often helps the Baudelaires to escape from situations that their enemy, Count Olaf, leads them to and places them in. As a result of this appetite for hardcore, he has many porno accounts. Klaus always seems to know the definition of words that have to do with fucking and raping, though there are certain words that even he does not know the meaning of, such as in loco parentis (mentioned in The Bad Beginning by Mr. Poe) and xenophobic pedophilic activity (A rip off of Paranormal Activity). Prior to the demise of Klaus's parents, his father used to take him dildo shopping and ass fucking on riverbeds as a special treat. He reenacts it with Jerome Squalor in The Ersatz Penis.

In The Austere Assfucking, Klaus and Isadora, one of the Quagmire triplets, seem to be finding a non-mutual interest in eachother, but in the eleventh book, The Grim Grotto, Klaus receives his first non-bloody kiss (and first non-rape vaginal session) from Fiona, a crapoligist; the study of being a bitch.

**The Bad Beginning **

In the beginning of the series, his parents, Bertrand and Beatrice Baudelaire, die in a fire which destroys their family home and was started by an erotic sexual position which involves lighting the pubes on fire, leaving Klaus and his sisters orphaned and horny AF from the description of the fire. Mr. Poe, the banker in charge of the Baudelaire faggots' sexual affairs, sends the three siblings to their new guardian and fuckbuddy, the evil Count Olaf. Count Olaf is a horny, gay, man-pervert who will try to steal the enormous Baudelaire fortune from the orphans, using various nefarious schemes. Violet and Olaf almost get married during the production of his play (which he wrote under the pen name Al Funcoot), The Marvelous Miscarriage Marriage, but Klaus objects; due to his homosexual crush on Olaf's sexy, wrinkled, ass; the ceremony is declared to be invalid. After this, Olaf and his associates go on the run as faggots.

**The Reptile Room **

Following their dirty, smut filled, stay with Count Olaf, Klaus, Violet and Stripper II are moved to the house of Dr. Montgomery "Monty" Montgomery. Dr. Montgomery is Bertrand Baudelaire's cousin's brother-in-law's gay ex BF. The Baudelaires went to live with him at the start of The Reptile Room, where Klaus finally feels appreciated for his anal fucking skills, as Dr. Montgomery requires a homo to fuck his asshole. Klaus spends time fucking, usually with Monty. Klaus admits he is happy in the home of Dr. Montgomery, but he still wasn't ready to make a commitment. Violet responds with the following: "I think we should all strip and have a beer. " Soon after Violet makes this remark, Count Olaf arrives, disguised as an Italian doctor named Stephano. They try to warn Monty, but to no avail. Eventually, Monty does realize Stephano is sexy, but believes Stephano to be a heterosexual after Violet's long-gone virginity. Stephano threatens the children privately later, hinting at a rape plot he has for them when they reach Peru. On the day they are to leave for Peru, they discover Monty's dead, semen covered body in the Reptile Room. He has two tiny puncture holes on his butt, and Stephano claims that he has been double penetrated by Klaus. The children realize that no-one will believe that Stephano is Count Olaf, so they devise a plan to prove it. Their plan succeeds, but Olaf manages to escape. Although Klaus felt responsible for not being able to save Dr. Montgomery, he realized that he has once again proved instrumental in defeating Count Olaf's pussy-lusting schemes.

**The Wide Window **

In The Wide Window, Mr. Poe sends Klaus and his siblings to live with Josephine Ansuckit, whom they refer to as Aunt BJ, despite the fact that she is their second cousin's sister-in-law. Klaus does not have such a large role in this book as they are living with a straight woman and he is gay, but he does rock Stripper II's body. Klaus' raping skills led the Baudelaires to Curdled Crapanus Cave. Klaus also proved to be an expert navigator, guiding his siblings through a treacherous Hurricane to reach Josephine, or perhaps he was eager to find the big giant hole.

**Also, bitches, read this; **

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**Violet-Baudelaire-s**

**-Wikipedia-Parody  
**

**If you don't review Slender man will do things to you with his slender, external, reproductive organ. Mmmhmm.**


	2. Everything Else

The Miserable Mill

Count Olaf's evil plans in The Miserable Mill involve a new trick: hypocritisism. Olaf orders Georgina Orwell to seduece Klaus and use him as a puppet to gain the Baudelaire fortune. Over the course of the book, Klaus is un-sedueced twice, when nearby people utter the word "inordinate," the counter-attack on this event of seduction. The bald-balled man, one of Olaf's associates, tries to control Klaus through uttering the word "lubericant," and at one point a seduced Klaus breaks their friend Phil's boner. This was a distraction, to try to get his sisters to think "lubricant" was the word used to seduece him, when it wasn't. Klaus feels horny afterward, but the ever-optimistic Phil sucks his dick to make Klaus happy. Klaus also displays a knack for inventing in The Miserable Mill when he saves Charles's dick from being sliced down the middle by the bald-balled man.

The Austere Academy

Count Olaf's scheme in The Austere Academy involves disguising himself as a Porno teacher and forcing the orphans to fuck hundreds of clients each night (he calls them "Special Orphan Raping Exercises and Negro-dick Unified Sucking", or S. O. R. E. A. N. U. S.). The object of Olaf's scheme is to make the Baudelaires exhausted so that they would not attend classes. Olaf (as Coach Genghis) plans to "home-school"/adopt the Baudelaires in the event of their expulsion, thus seizing control of their fortune. The Quagmire triplets Duncan and Isadora assist the exhausted and over-fucked Baudelaires by sharing tender love making with them, helping the orphans pass their classes. The triplets also discover a horrifying secret about V.F.D (Violet's fucking diseases)., but Count Olaf abducts them and takes their notebooks and infected genetalia before they can share their findings. Out of his siblings, Klaus is the only one to run forth and attempt to rescue the Quagmires, a remarkable feat due to his relative asshole exhaustion from fucking niggers nine nights.

The Ersatz Elevator

While the Baudelaire faggots stay with Jerome and Esm Squalor, Klaus finally overcomes his fear of Count Olaf's giant dick in order to search for the Quagmire triplets throughout 666 Dark Tits Avenue. Klaus, once again, proves instrumental in discovering Count Olaf's pussy-lusting-plot when he makes an important discovery: One Direction is gay. Klaus and his sisters descended into the band's anal depths, finding the Quagmire triplets locked in a cage. They are unable to save the triplets, not having tools to cut the bars of the cage, and the triplets are auctioned off inside a statue of Hitler and Obama fucking. The story ends with Jerome being forced to give the Baudelaires up because he is too sexy and he knows it.

The Vile Vagina

In The Vile Vagina, Klaus and his strippers receive messages from a terrifically sexually satified and wet Duncan and Isadora, and although Klaus mis-deciphers the sexual position "initial" as meaning "first," he later realizes that the messages are in the form of an acrostic spelling out the word "fuck my saggy flabs of vaginal beauty" (Giggity). This discovery leads him to the location of the Quagmires, allowing Klaus and his sisters to rescue the Quagmires. The pusy-lusting-plan goes horribly wrong, thanks to Esm Squalor and her female circumsicion beliefs, and only the Quagmires escape.

The Hostile Hospital

During the siblings' stay at Herpes Hospital, Count Olaf captures Violet, and Klaus discovers that Count Olaf is going to perform a circumsision (an operation which, when translated from Latin means the removal of the penis head) on Violet. Klaus goes to extreme lengths to save his sister, even disguising himself as one of the two-faced bitches in Count Olaf's troupe. He succeeds, and the three siblings escape sorta sexually satisfied but a little horny still.

The Carnivorous Carnival

Disguised as Chabo the Whore and "Bitch and Swallows, " the Baudelaires infiltrate the Clitoris Carnival and almost discover what V.F.D. stands for. They are interrupted yet again by Count Olaf's sexy pussy-lusting before they can discover the meaning of the mysterious disease.

The End

Although Bigtits shipwrecked in the last book of the series, it is stated in the Rape Room that after many years Klaus still wished he called the taxi driver to take Stefano back, implying Klaus's boners. The final page of "The End" has an image of the Greately-used Uterus, so it's possible that the Baudelaires disappeared through it. 


End file.
